let your dirty sadness fill me up (just like a balloon)
by ravenclaws
Summary: "Thats the thing, Clarke, I think you're my best friend and god that's so, so, so fucked up. I should hate you, but I just can't. Why can't I fucking hate you, Clarke?" / or, four times clarke attempts to comfort raven, and one time she does.


It's been three days since the last time Raven saw her mother. This isn't something new, and honestly, there've been time where she's gone longer, but all the other times she'd left something for Raven to get food with, or gotten someone to get food to Raven. This time, however, it's been four days since the last time she ate something, and she's starving. So she does what she has to do.

Her socked footsteps are silent as she shuffles through Mecha, her tiny body pressed up against a wall in case she has to hide behind a door or inside a vent. She's headed towards Medical, because the last time she was there they had taken a blood sample, handed her a cookie and some orange juice, and sent her on her way so they could deal with the long line of kids behind her who were starting kindergarten as well. Rationally, if they were to give a cookie and orange juice to every child there, they would overestimate the number of kids coming, because they would rather have extra than not enough. And luckily, Raven is a rational thinker.

It takes her less than fifteen minutes to make it to the station and through the (very lax) security system they have up to protect it. _Honestly, if an seven year old can crack it, why even have it up?_ she thinks as she begins her search for a fridge or freezer. This, however, turns out to be more difficult than it seems. Wherever they keep the leftover orange juice and cookies, it's not inside the control station, and she's starting to get worried. What if it was all for nothing? What if she can't find any food anyway, and wasted the rest of her energy trying to get to it? What if she dies right here on the floor?

(Granted, the last one is a little extreme, but she's seven years old, give her a break.)

While dealing with her inner turmoil, Raven doesn't notice the _swish_ of the station doors opening, nor does she hear the pattering of footsteps on the linoleum floors. She does, however, hear a voice calling out for her mother.

"Mom? Mom! Abby Griffin!" the voice calls out, high pitched and nervous, and it sounds familiar, but Raven's too scared of being caught to find out who it is. She shuffles in socked feet across the floor, staying hidden by the tall tables and gleaming lab stations, carefully avoiding anything that could reveal her location. Unfortunately, she does not realize that the open doorway she plans on walking through is actually just very clean glass until it's too late. Her body rebounds off the cold surface and, startled, she stumbles back into a table holding a tray of medical instruments, which crash to the ground in a clatter. She freezes and closes her eyes tightly, blinking back tears. It's over, she's caught.

She hears light footsteps hurrying over to where she's standing and suddenly she's face to face with a mess of blonde curls and the bluest eyes she's ever seen, and she realizes who she was hiding from. "Clarke?"

Clarke's face twists into a frown, her eyes narrowing and her nose scrunching up. "How do you know who I am?"

Raven stares at her, dumbfounded. "What do you mean? You're Clarke Griffin. Everyone knows who you are. Your dad is Jake Griffin and your mom-"

"You know my mom?" Clarke asks, her eyes wide and innocent. "Can you help me find her?"

Raven opens her mouth to say no, that she can't even help herself, let alone someone else, but she realizes this could be a bargain, and she shuts up. If she knows one thing, she knows how to blackmail people into getting her what she needs. And right now, she needs food. "I might've seen her...but I'm too hungry to remember."

Clarke's frown deepens. "How does being hungry make you forget if you've seen my mom?"

Raven looked at her, incredulous. Usually when she said things like that people just gave her what she needed. She didn't know how to handle something like this. She felt her lower lip start to tremble, and she realized with a sinking stomach that she couldn't stop the tears from coming. They spill over along with a broken sound in her throat and she reaches out for Clarke's hand. "_Please_," she pleads, "I haven't eaten in days, I'm so hungry."

Clarke looks her up and down, her eyes sad. "What do you mean you haven't eaten? Didn't you get your rations?"

Something in Raven snaps when she hears the word ration; her knees buckle and she crumples to the ground with her legs crossed. She looks up at Clarke, whose gaze is sad and confused, her hand reaching forward slightly as if to pat Raven on the shoulder. Raven jerks away and Clarke flinches, a lock of blonde hair falling over her eyes. She twists it away quickly, eyes never straying from Raven's. "Do you…" she swallows, "do you want to come with me and get something to eat?"

The tension melts from Raven's shoulders as she nods, taking Clarke's outstretched hand and letting her lead her away. There's confidence in the little blonde's stride, and she takes Raven to a small room off the clinic. Inside, there's a couch, some tables, and a mini-fridge. Raven's mouth waters.

Clarke hurries over to the fridge, dragging Raven along with her. Upon opening it, they find a half-full jug of milk, an apple, two bars of chocolate marked with a green sticky note that reads 'JACKSON', and a sandwich wrapped in plastic.

Clarke grabs the apple and sandwich and hands them to Raven before shutting the door. "Jackson'll notice if we take his chocolate, and milk is icky," she says, her face scrunched up. Raven giggles and takes a bite of the apple. It's honestly like heaven, and she devours the rest and the sandwich in minutes, while Clarke watches, fascinated. "I've never seen someone eat so fast before," she confesses when Raven is finished, and Raven laughs again, a full smile finally lighting up her face. The two sit together, giggling and talking for a few minutes, before Raven sees a serious light in Clarke's face.

"What is it, is something wrong?" she asks, her eyes wide. Clarke hesitates.

"My dad told me once that if people are sad, they should talk to someone about why they're sad. Why're you sad, Raven?"

Raven shrugs non-committally. A tightness starts to build in her chest, expanding through her body like air in a balloon.

"You have to know _why_," Clarke protests. "You can't just be sad."

Raven shifts uncomfortably. There's only one way out of this, and she knows what she has to do. She doesn't want to, but she purses her lips and says, "Clarke, I really have to go home."

Clarke tilts her head. "Why?"

"I just _do._" Raven pushes herself off the ground and starts to walk away, and Clarke grabs her arm. She jerks away, but still turns around. There are tears in Clarke's eyes, and it takes all of Raven's willpower not to turn the rest of the way and hug her new friend.

She manages, though.

She runs the rest of the way back to Mecha, and somewhere on the way she hears someone calling Clarke's name, and a high pitched squeal of 'Mom!'. The tightness in her chest loosens slightly knowing her friend found her mother.

She reaches home, and the door to her unit slams shut behind her as she collapses onto her bed. Her shoulders shake lightly, but she doesn't cry. She can't cry. She isn't hungry, and that's all that matters, right?

(Five hungry days later she meets Finn, who gives her soup, and orange, and a glass of milk. He's nice and helpful, but the milk is icky, just like Clarke said.)


End file.
